my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
