How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
