Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
