i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
