I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
