Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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