Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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