Don't make out with my wife yet
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
