I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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