I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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