I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
