Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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