I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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