Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
