Your mouth is God's brothel.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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