I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
