I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Did I show you my penis last night?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
