He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
