spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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