I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
