We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Congratulations! We have a period
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
