She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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