We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
