A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
