It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
