He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
