I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
