just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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