I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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