I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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