I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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