theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
