I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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