made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
