I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize