We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
