i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Help. Why am I so naked?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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