I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
