I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
