Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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