According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
