I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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