I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
