it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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