I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
