how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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