Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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