I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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