his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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