she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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