I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
