Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
