I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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