he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
worst night to have a conscience
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
