Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
