I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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